


and all at once, you're all i want

by mattwatson



Category: Video Blogging RPF, supermega
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, M/M, Porn with Feelings, and both still live together cuz im bitter, au where they're single, the funny lets play boys have feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 05:05:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14489424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattwatson/pseuds/mattwatson
Summary: "Just, um...I might not look at you. For a bit, anyway, until I like...get used to it.""You are quite the romantic, Matthew." Ryan says, without menace. He gets it.(Where and when do the lines between them stop blurring?)





	and all at once, you're all i want

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: brief (barely there) mentions of alcohol/drugs at the beginning. mentions of daniel kyre/the boys grieving towards the end (after the porn bit finishes basically). 
> 
> alternative title: the guys try blowjobs and for some reason it makes them emotional
> 
> matt and ryan don't interact

“No!”

Ryan looks up from his desk, turns his head slightly to get Matt pulling at his own hair in frustration into his peripheral vision. 

“God fucking _damnit_ , I hate this fucking capture software!” Matt seethes, tossing his mouse up his desk in frustration. He turns in his chair to face Ryan, and the vein on his neck that always pops out when he’s angry looks ready to burst.

Ryan sighs, conflicted. On one hand, he knows that this means that both of their jobs are going to be about ten times harder for the next week or so, particularly when the Grumps audience have been so up their asses about errors in the editing process regardless of how often they explain themselves.

On the other hand, a frustrated Matt means that he knows exactly what’s going to happen when they get home.

“What’ve we lost?” He decides to let Matt cool off slightly before he brings up either point.

“Game audio for about 14 episodes.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, fuck is right.”

Matt sits with his head in his hands for a moment, then moves quickly to close all the windows he has open and shut down his computer. “Fuck this. It’s like what, 5 o’clock? It’s tomorrow’s problem. I need to sleep on what the hell to do to fix this.”

Ryan smirks. 

“You sure sleep is all you need?”

Matt conceals his own grin as he pulls his sweater over his head, but Ryan catches it in his words. “Well I’m really fucking tired, so unless you’re up for getting off super quickly—“

“I’m up for getting off regardless of the speed.”

Matt pauses in his motions, gives Ryan a look that shoots a tingle up his spine, even after all these months of doing this. It still feels exciting, like it’s their little secret. Probably because it still is.

“Alright. Get your stuff then. We’re going home.” 

* * *

Ryan’s not really sure when the line started to blur between homoerotic jokes where neither one knew when the other was kidding and essentially becoming friends with benefits. He’s sure it probably started with the way they used to get absolutely shitfaced after stressful days, or possibly even within one of the few times where Matt has sat in Ryan’s room and passed a joint (or three) back and forth with him. He vaguely recalls a conversation where they discussed single life and their lacklustre sex lives at the time, segueing somehow into watching each other jerk off and cumming harder than Ryan can remember doing in months.

They do it so frequently now that Ryan can’t pinpoint the exact occasion they passed beyond just watching, but he knows that both of them will find any excuse to get off with each other. It’s different, it’s exciting, and although Ryan doesn’t quite understand why his brain screaming _MATT’S A GUY_ on every drive home in this circumstance _isn’t_ a turnoff, he’s not ready to question it now. Not when Matt’s sat next to him in the passenger seat, still furious with inanimate software, genuinely needing the distraction sooner rather than later.

“What do you wanna do?” Ryan asks, trying to take the sour look off of Matt’s face that he keeps catching in the wing mirror.

“I dunno.” Matt mumbles, practically sulking. Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Don’t go all shy on me. I’ll even let you be lazy tonight, I’ll...I’ll jerk you off if you want.”

He rarely suggests it, mainly because touching a dick that’s not his own still feels strange. Better each time he does it, but still strange nonetheless. He saves it for when Matt in more dire need.

Matt seems to have perked up at the suggestion, but he still shrugs. Ryan smirks, wanting to slip further in the cracks Matt’s just started presenting in his moody demeanour. He indicates left as they stop at a turning and takes one hand off the wheel to place it on Matt’s thigh.

“I mean, if you don’t want me to…”

“I didn’t say that.” Matt’s voice cracks slightly, his voice hushed for an entirely different reason now, as Ryan starts rubbing small circles on his inner thigh. It goes right to Ryan’s cock.

“Hmm?” Ryan asks, if only to hear Matt try to talk again.

“I…”

Ryan glances at him just once before the lights change, relishing the way he can just see Matt trying to control his breathing, his eyes squeezed shut and his nostrils flared.

“Just,” Matt finally gasps after Ryan (accidentally, he swears) brushes his fingers even higher. “Just get us home. Please.”

The light goes green, and Ryan slams his foot down on the acceleration.

* * *

Ryan swears he’ll never say trying to unlock a door while drunk and/or high is difficult ever again. Not after he’s experienced Matt’s lanky form pressing him up against the front door of their apartment, grinding his clothed crotch up against Ryan’s ass with such force that Ryan’s practically wobbling in his stance. He’s hard now - and he can say with pretty reasonable certainty that Matt is too - and the need to get Matt under his sheets and between his legs is growing more desperate by the millisecond. They’re in public, for fucks sake: there’s no way they can laugh this off with any neighbour that might walk past as a bit for their “social media influence” recordings that they’ve explained away any sounds that have bled through their walls in the past with. If anyone were to see them now, Matt pressing Ryan into their doorway like this, both so desperate for each other that they can’t even make it inside...

Ryan fumbles with the key for what feels like 10 years too long.

“Matt—Jesus—fucking stop or I won’t get the door open.”

Matt reluctantly pulls his hips away, but dips his head against the crevice where Ryan’s neck meets his shoulder. The hot breath against his sensitive skin is still a bit of a hindrance, but not to the same extent. He finally gets the key in the lock.

“You gonna jerk me off?” It’s so quiet and slurred that Ryan almost doesn’t catch it. He hears the click of the lock and shoves the door with all of his might.

“You want me to?” The anticipation is fucking killing him. He turns around and grips Matt’s wrists and pulls him inside, slamming the door

Matt babbles as Ryan pulls him towards his bedroom, thankful that Lego is fast asleep somewhere else in the apartment as he opens his door.

“Just want you, I want...want your hands and your mouth on me, I—“

“My _mouth_?” It comes out before Ryan can mask his knee-jerk reaction. Matt’s face immediately burns.

“That’s not what I—I mean…” Matt’s pulling away, going into panic mode. Ryan feels Matt’s anxiety like a rock in his stomach, but he’s also acutely aware of the fact that they’re both still hard and that using his mouth on Matt right now is sounding more and more intriguing the longer he ponders it. Fuck it, might as well take the plunge and potentially embarrass himself to make Matt feel better.

“You want my lips on you?”

Matt stops, stares at Ryan with such intensity that, for a moment, they’re both stuck in place, a few paces from each other. Ryan tentatively steps forward.

“You thought about it, Matt? You been thinking about my lips on your cock?”

Matt bites his lip. Ryan’s not sure if he’s actually breathing. He realises that Matt’s trying not to give anything away, scared - even after all the times they’ve done this - that this is all still one big joke, that Ryan’s gonna burst out laughing and tell the office tomorrow. He approaches Matt slowly and (to prove a point) unzips his jeans. Matt inhales.

“That’s so fucking hot.” Ryan murmurs against the flushed skin of Matt’s neck. It’s warm beneath his lips, and he can’t help but think about pressing his lips against the rest of Matt’s flushed, soft skin and wonders why they haven’t tried this sooner.

Matt shudders and all but falls forward against Ryan, bowing his head into Ryan’s shoulder again, and Ryan knows that he’s too far gone now to let embarrassment stop him from accepting any offer Ryan puts forward.

“I wanna do it.” Ryan’s barely in control of his mouth anymore. “I wanna suck you off.”

Matt responds by pushing his hips up against Ryan’s hand, where it’s still hovering against the bottom of Matt’s zip. Ryan brushes his fingers gently, teasingly, up the shaft of the bulge he can now feel pushing against Matt’s boxers.

“Ryan—“

“Your room or mine?”

* * *

Ryan continues kissing Matt even as his lips start to become sore, revelling in the comforting, familiar (relatively, compared to what was coming) feeling of Matt’s arms around his naked waist. It gives him time to think it over enough to at least slightly smother the butterflies in his stomach. This is new, sure. But it’s _Matt_. He’s had enough butterflies in his stomach over this boy to be used to it by now.

He pulls away from Matt’s lips, knowing that he’s mirroring the shy, goofy grin that he sees on Matt’s features. 

“You ready?” Ryan asks, more to himself than to Matt. Matt nods regardless, pulling Ryan gently towards his bed.

“Just, um...I might not look at you. For a bit, anyway, until I like...get used to it.”

“You are quite the romantic, Matthew.” Ryan says without menace. He gets it. He sometimes has to close his eyes even as he listens to Matt cumming, his face flush against Ryan’s shoulder, distancing himself from the fact that the situation is so fucking hot to him.

Matt snorts, but Ryan catches him looking to check that it was a joke. This is unchartered territory; neither of them know how the other is going to react. Ryan doesn’t even know how he’s going to react himself, and he doesn’t think Matt does either.

“Should I, umm...should I like...do you wanna be on the floor or should I lie down on the bed?”

Ryan thinks back to other times he’s given head, how he’s gripped onto girls’ thighs from the foot of the bed. How he can at least for a few moments pretend he’s not about to do something completely new. “Bed, I think.”

“Okay, yeah. I was gonna suggest that, but I didn’t wanna, like...it’s up to you. Of course. Yeah.”

Matt lays flat on his bed, and Ryan gets a full view of his barely clothed body for probably the first time since they’ve started doing this. The curtains in his room are half-drawn, letting a sliver of warmth emitted from the streetlights outside stripe across Matt’s torso.

He’s glowing, Ryan thinks. For fucks sake. He’s literally glowing.

Ryan registers the anxiety in Matt’s sudden awkward shuffling on the mattress, and returns his gaze to Matt’s face.

“Something wrong?” Matt asks, and when Ryan makes the connection between the length of time he’s been staring at Matt and the waver in Matt’s voice, his heart hurts. They joke about their body insecurities, but Ryan’s never wanted to push away those negative thoughts Matt’s had about his body more than he does right now.

“No, no, nothing.” Ryan clears his throat, kneels down on the bed finally. “Just...really wanna kiss you right now, that’s all.”

Matt’s features relax. “Well, get over here then, big boy.”

“You want a blowjob or not?”

“Are you blackmailing me with blue balls because I’m calling you sexy names in bed?”

Ryan crawls across the bed until his elbows are either side of Matt’s shoulders. “Let’s make a general rule that if we’ve used a name for each other in Let’s Plays, we can’t use it in bed.”

Matt laughs, goes to protest to this new rule, but Ryan leans down to capture his open mouth in a kiss, rubbing one hand up and down Matt’s side. Their cocks rub together between the thin material of two layers of boxers and Ryan feels the jolt that goes through Matt’s system in the way that Matt hums, suddenly reaches up to grip Ryan’s shoulders and wraps a leg around Ryan’s waist. Desperate to get closer somehow, Ryan presses his forehead against Matt’s and feels the familiar sharpness of the frames of his glasses.

Ryan pulls away, trying not to let the way that Matt’s breathing like he’s just run a marathon go straight to his cock (he’s still got a blowjob to give, for Christ’s sake). “You wanna take these off?” Ryan nudges the frames with his nose.

“Nah. Might decide I wanna watch you.”

Thinking about Matt looking down the bed at him, making eye contact with him as he sinks his mouth down onto Matt’s cock. It’s almost too much.

“Fucking hell.” Is all Ryan can say as he starts kissing everywhere he can think of across Matt’s face, his neck, his collarbones. He needs to do this and he needs to do it soon or they’re both going to cum before he even gets a chance.

Jesus, Matt’s so responsive, gasping and grinding his hips against Ryan, practically squirming with anticipation beneath him. He feels Matt’s cock throb against his own stomach as he leans down, pressing a wet, open-mouthed kiss to his nipple. Matt lets out a sound that's something between a giggle and a whimper.

"Dude, that's...well, that's new."

Ryan smirks, lifts his mouth from Matt's chest. "Never had your nips played with before?"

"Nope. These are - these are virgin nips."

Ryan laughs because of how ridiculous it feels to say the word 'nips' in this situation, and then he laughs again because of how ridiculous it is that this is the most turned on he's ever been in his life and yet all he's done is cover as much of Matt's skin as possible in his own spit. This may as well be an out-of-body experience.

Matt snorts too, tousling Ryan's hair playfully, and Ryan hums softly at the gentleness of the gesture. He returns to the task at hand, taking comfort in the fact that Matt has not yet found this weird enough to have to look away from him as he takes Matt's other nipple into his mouth (it's only fair) and then proceeds down his slender frame. He resists the urge to tug Matt's boxers down the second his fumbling fingers find them, instead toying with the waistband as his mouth reaches the fine brown hairs of Matt's lower stomach.

It feels ridiculous to be nervous at this point - they've felt the outlines of each others' cocks through boxers and gym shorts dozens of times since they started doing this. Trying to play off the anxiety that comes anyway, he leans down to tentatively blow hot air against the wet spot by the tip of Matt's cock. Watching Matt's eyebrows arch up out of the corner of his eye gives him the adrenaline rush he needs to tug down the band between his fingertips.

Both of them breathe heavily for several seconds. Ryan had said to himself that, if at this point he didn't want to do it, he'd ask Matt if they could stop, feeling safe in the knowledge that Matt would absolutely not force him to do anything he didn't feel comfortable doing. What he hadn't anticipated was what he would do if he felt his own cock throb desperately in his underwear at the sight of Matt fully exposed on the bed beneath him, his length leaking pre-cum onto the flushed skin of his usually pale stomach.

Ryan's more ready for this than he even realised.

"You alright?" Matt's looking up at him with wide, sparkling eyes.

He responds by running his tongue along the underside of Matt's cock, relishing in the way that it makes Matt squirm and whimper at the unexpected contact. It’s not so much the fact that he likes the taste of what’s leaking down Matt’s length, per say, but more that he’s not entirely abhorred by it which spurs him on to follow it up to the tip. He tries not to be clumsy as he takes the end of Matt’s cock into his mouth, even though both of them know that Ryan's basing his knowledge of blowjobs off of how it's felt in the past to receive one and what he's seen in porn. He wants Matt to enjoy this so badly.

"Oh, _God_ , fuck...haven't had anyone suck me off in so long...feels so good, Ryan, don't stop, please don't stop..." Matt groans, gripping onto Ryan's hair again, and the sound of his name caught in Matt's throat makes his cock throb again. As he gets the hang of it, overcoming the initial fear of going too low too soon and triggering his gag reflex (Lord knows whether or not Matt would ever be able to get an erection again if he were traumatised by vomit in this situation), he bobs his head at a slow but steady pace. He takes the length that he doesn't feel ready for yet into his hand, trying to match the speed with that of his mouth. Matt gasps and twists on the sheets in response.

“Mmmh...you just been waiting to suck cock or something, dude?” Matt sighs through parted lips, lifting his head from the mattress to lock eyes with Ryan. “So fucking good…”

Ryan responds by pulling off slowly, dragging his lips up as tightly as possible around Matt. He feels his teeth gently graze the head and Matt sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth. The realisation of what he’s just done makes Ryan cringe, and his face flushes.

“Well, clearly I’m not, because I almost just bit your dick.”

Matt giggles. “It’s okay, man. You’re doing better than I would, probably.”

Ryan thinks about a role-reversal, of him lying beneath Matt while the other hollows out his cheeks around his cock and stares up at him with those big, blue eyes. It makes him grind down into the blanket beneath him.

Almost immediately, Matt’s face changes of one from amusement to arousal, one eyebrow arched. “You like the thought of that? Want me to suck your cock, Ryan?”

Ryan’s face burns again, overwhelmed with how gorgeous those words sound coming from an out-of-breath Matt whose own hard cock is right in front of him. He has to bow his head for a moment to stop the room from spinning, stop himself from grinding down too fast and hard and cumming too soon. Matt’s fingers travel down from his hair to stroke his cheek.

“Would try so hard for you, baby. Wanna make you feel as good as you’re making me feel.”

“ _Matt_ ,” is all he can say, clumsily reaching for Matt’s cock again so that the power balance between them hasn’t spiralled entirely out of his control. He jerks Matt off faster, rougher, but it only spurs Matt on even more.

“Yes, God, like that, Ryan...fuck, _fuck_ , put my cock in your mouth again, please, I’m-I’m not gonna last…felt so good...”

Ryan grips onto Matt’s hips for dear life as he sinks his mouth down as far as it’ll go, barely pulling off as he lets Matt lose himself, practically fucking up into the tight heat of Ryan’s throat. Ryan thinks that Matt’s too far gone to even realise what he’s doing, until he looks up and sees Matt staring directly at the way his cock is disappearing into Ryan’s mouth. Ryan groans, and Matt must mistake it for discomfort, because his determined glance softens and he slows his hip movements.

“S-Sorry. Is that okay?”

Ryan lets a little spit hang from his mouth as he pulls off because if Matt can lie there looking hot as all hell, he can try to be sexy too.

“Yes, fuck, keep going.” A pause as he builds up the confidence to say, “Use my mouth. Want you to cum in it.”

Matt’s jaw slackens as he exhales sharply, pushing even more air out of his lungs in the form of a strangled whimper as Ryan immediately connects his lips with the head of his cock. “So hot...I’m gonna do it, gonna cum right in your fucking mouth Ryan, _fuck_ …”

Ryan sucks hard on the tip and jerks off the remainder of Matt’s length furiously, deciding that that’s the best way to do things if he doesn’t want to literally choke on cum the first time he gives a blowjob. Both of Matt’s hands are now tugging at his hair, doing whatever they can to try to control Ryan’s head after he pins Matt’s hip to the bed with his free hand. He starts to consider whether or not he should just open his mouth and stick out his tongue like he’s seen pornstars do, debating internally whether or not Matt would enjoy it more, but he doesn’t even have enough time to try it out before he tastes salty liquid on his tongue, Matt gasping and moaning as his dick twitches between Ryan’s lips. Ryan’s not really sure what to do other than work Matt through his orgasm, so he lets the tip of his tongue rub gently along the underside of Matt’s tip, loving the way that Matt whimpers each time he does it. He strokes Matt’s hip with the pad of his thumb and watches the way his best friend shudders blissfully on the bed, and God, it’s so much hotter when he doesn’t have to feel it through layers of fabric. His own cock twitches as he feels Matt finally soften in his mouth, letting out one final sigh. As he pulls off, he wonders nervously if Matt’s expecting him to swallow, glancing up at him. He feels a gentle tug at his hair as Matt looks down at him with parted lips.

“C’mere, dude.”

Ryan hesitates, but slides himself up the bed anyway. He lets Matt take the lead in pulling him in, pulling Ryan towards him with one arm as - to Ryan’s surprise - he presses their lips together. Matt’s thigh slides between Ryan’s legs to press against the aching bulge there, as he slides his tongue past Ryan’s teeth, tasting his own cum with a soft moan and sliding it past Ryan’s mouth into his own. Matt’s mouth goes slacker against his own as the kiss gets sloppier, and when Ryan pulls away he watches cum drip from Matt’s swollen bottom lip. Fucking _hell_.

“Jesus, you done that before?” Ryan can’t help but shove his hand into his boxers now, feeling like he’s been on the brink for what seemed like hours as he’s watched Matt be relieved by his own mouth.

Matt’s brow arches, and he glances at Ryan’s lips. “Shouldn’t I be asking _you_ that?”

“No, not the - not _that_. I mean the whole...kissing _after_.”

“Oh.” Matt shrugs, wiping the remaining residue from his lips with the back of his hand. “Yeah, my ex wanted to try it once and turns out I, um, I liked the taste.”

Ryan smirks. “Well then, clearly _you_ were meant to suck dick,” his voice wavering slightly as he continues to jerk himself off, only fuelled by this new revelation.

“ _Clearly_ I was waiting for the right guy to come along.” Matt reaches his hand down and encloses it over Ryan’s, moving it faster over Ryan’s cock. The slickness of pre-cum coating Ryan’s entire hand and cock makes it so easy that he lets his own wrist go limp as Matt essentially guides his clenched fist up and down his length for him. 

“Tastes so good, Ryan. Wonder if you taste even better.” Matt whispers up against his ear, rolling Ryan onto his back and knocking Ryan’s hand away to get on with it himself. He starts jerking Ryan off even faster and Ryan’s the one squirming on the bed now, trapped between Matt’s long legs on either side of his own. He’d been wanting to hear Matt’s pretty little moans all evening, but now that he’s the one being pressed into the mattress with Matt’s breathy, filthy words in his ear, he wonders if the other had been thinking the same all along.

“But I’m not even gonna get a chance to taste you, am I? You’re about to cum just from me touching you, all over yourself, your boxers—“

“Matt,” Ryan all but whines, reaching up to grip desperately at Matt’s back, his hip, _anything_ as he feels his orgasm approaching. 

“C’mon, wanna see you cum now...cum for me, Ryan, please…”

Ryan can’t help but arch his hips upward, trying to get even more friction against the heat of Matt’s palm as he releases, gasping and throwing his head back. Matt leans down to kiss him fiercely, and all he can do is moan pathetically, teeth clashing against Matt’s. It’s hot and heavy and so good.

Matt works him through his orgasm diligently, stroking him until he feels himself going limp. He sees the spark in Matt’s eyes as he looks down at the wet patch across Ryan’s length in his boxers.

“You can taste it if you want.” Ryan’s voice is gruff, hoarse from all the kissing and sucking and moaning of the night.

Matt parts his lips slightly at the suggestion, but shakes his head and rolls off of Ryan, back onto the mattress. “Next time. Want the full experience.” He looks back at Ryan with that same twinkle in his eyes and Ryan knows for sure that he’s going to get hard again if he thinks too much about what that means.

They lay next to each other for a few moments longer. Ryan notices Matt trying to slow down his breathing; he can feel his own heartbeat racing, and he doesn’t think it’s purely sex adrenaline anymore. Willing his hand not to shake, he tentatively reaches across the bed to where Matt’s hand is resting and places his own on top. There’s a brief, anxious pause wherein Ryan thinks his heart, the world, time itself, has possibly exploded, but then Matt flips his hand around and threads his fingers between Ryan’s and everything’s alright again, his heartbeat returning at a flutter slightly faster than normal.

Until he pulls his hand away in disgust. Matt looks at him with nervous, confused eyes.

“Sticky.” Is all Ryan can say. Matt bursts into flustered, relieved laughter, throwing his glasses off onto the bed and covering his face.

“For fuck’s sake, dude. Scared the shit out of me for a moment there.”

“Sorry,” Ryan’s giggling too now, shoving Matt off of him playfully. “I forgot...I forgot that your hands would be, like—“

“Covered in your cum?”

They’re in absolute hysterics now, relieving the tension between them that intimacy had cooked up while they had been distracted with each other. The entire situation feels absurd, unreal, and Ryan needs to hold Matt’s hand again in that moment to be able to ground himself. He waits until Matt’s cackles have reduced to soft giggles, grabbing his hand on it’s way down from putting his glasses out of the way on the bedside table. Matt takes it without hesitation, and Ryan’s chest fills with a warmth that he still doesn’t quite recognise, but is no longer entirely terrified of.

“You alright?” He turns his head and Matt’s looking right at him, cheeks still lightly flushed. Ryan doesn’t know if it’s the gentleness of his eyes or the softness of his fingers laced between Ryan’s, but he shifts across the bed to curl up against Matt’s chest. Matt freezes again for a moment, but by now Ryan knows he’s going to pull up the covers over them before he even does it.

“Yeah.” He mumbles against Matt’s skin, resisting the urge to hum softly as Matt reaches around him to pull him closer. The fact that it’s so fucking easy to just slide his legs between Matt’s and match his own breathing with the chest rising and falling beneath him makes Ryan want to slap himself for not doing it sooner. Of course this was going to work out.

Part of him had known that since the first time they connected lips.

Matt grabs some tissues from the table next to his side of the bed. “Here.” He passes them to Ryan. “I’m gonna be asleep in the next 15 minutes and I’m assuming you are too, so we might as well not be totally disgusting.”

“Too late for you, dude.” Ryan smirks, awkwardly wiping down as much as he can from the inside of his boxers before giving up and removing them entirely (he’s assuming that they’ve gone far enough now for Matt not to mind).

Matt rolls his eyes and tosses his tissues at Ryan’s face, earning him a surprised and rather undignified yelp.

“You fucking asshole!” Ryan protests, but he’s laughing too hard to put any pretence of seriousness behind it. Matt’s giggling too, dropping them onto his floor before coming to the alarmed realisation that one of the animals in the house would probably try to eat it.

Once they’ve disposed of the tissues high out of reach of any “stupid, hungry little bitches,” (Matt’s words), Ryan lays his head on the pillow next to Matt while the other’s eyes drift across his face sleepily. Ryan tries not to let his heartbeat escalate again as he watches his best friend drink the sight of him in, distracting himself by doing the same. By the time he’s traced the moles across Matt’s face and neck with his gaze 3 times, his mouth has seemingly decided to start operating without his full consent.

“So what happens now?”

Matt’s attention returns to Ryan’s eyes. He doesn’t know if he’s relieved or disappointed.

“Hmm?”

“I mean…” Ryan looks away, willing his cheeks not to burn. Feelings are weird and hard to talk about, and he’s never been terrified of destroying a relationship in his life this badly before, but things feel different this time; there’s an electricity in the air between them that he hopes Matt can sense too. He clears his throat nervously.

“I mean, like, is this a purely sexual thing for you still?”

Ryan feels Matt’s gaze leave his face, and his heart thuds furiously in his throat.

“To be honest, I’m kind of scared to answer that before you do.” Matt’s voice is wrapped in a thin layer of anxiousness that Ryan has trained his ear to detect by now. Without thinking, he reaches out to grip Matt’s hand beneath the sheets. It helps to feel a reassuring squeeze for the second time that night.

“It’s not. Not for me, not anymore.” Ryan starts, and when Matt opens his mouth to interject, he continues, scared that the confidence will leave him suddenly or that Matt will completely shut him down before he can get in the last part.

“And I don’t really know how I feel about that. Not just because you’re a guy.”

A pause.

“What...what else is it?”

Ryan closes his eyes. “Can you just answer the question before I tell you? I need to...know how you feel.”

“No, it’s not just sexual anymore for me either. If…” Matt sucks in a breath. “If I’m honest, Ryan, it was never _just_ sexual. I thought you’d worked that out by now.”

Ryan swears his heart stops altogether. Matt rambles on, the way he always does to fill the gap between Ryan’s words. 

“Which is why I’m kinda nervous about the fact that you’re saying it’s not just sexuality that’s playing into this being weird. Because being with a guy is weird, but being with you, it’s…” Matt laughs, brings his hands up to his face again as his cheeks flush. “God, this is so embarrassing, but being with you feels right, Ryan.”

Once again, Ryan sees insecurity creeping up on Matt in the way that his gaze is firmly locked on a dent in the ceiling and his throat is tight, and he's overwhelmed with the urge to stamp on it. “It’s not you.” He quickly interjects. “I mean, it’s you, but not…I feel that way too. About being with you overriding the weirdness of there being a dick in my mouth.”

It earns him a small snort from Matt, but nervousness is still etched into his smile. Ryan continues.

“You know how we had that conversation after like...six months after Daniel passed away?”

Matt nods, squeezes his hand again, and Ryan tries not to get choked up. They can talk about this now, and said conversation was the first time they had managed to without having to stop, but it’s difficult not to feel that same flood of emotions that used to drown him when their hushed voices and tight embrace mimics the way they coped with the grieving for the first month or so.

“So I said to you that our friendship had changed, obviously, like...the dynamic was different. We’re a lot closer, we went through shit together, all that shit. It was scary to lose him, but our friendship... _you_ got me through hard times. My best friend.” His voice wobbles at the last part, but he squeezes Matt’s hand to provide the assurance of that truth that his mouth can’t.

“You trying to make me cry or something?” Matt’s voice hitches too, which both helps and hurts.

“Our friendship means so much to me, is what I meant. And I’m...I’m just scared to change that dynamic again. Like, removing a constant - one of the only ones that’s been there since...you know.”

Ryan has to wipe his eyes. He can’t help it. Sex has always made him kind of emotional, and talking this openly about it is only amplifying how he feels. He feels Matt tentatively press a kiss to his forehead.

“I get that. I agree. But, um, like I said…it doesn’t feel different. To me, anyway. We’re still just - just Matt and Ryan even when we’re...when we’re making out or, um...doing what we just did.” Matt laughs, runs his free hand through his tousled hair. “What I mean is...I need you to tell me honestly how you feel about it. Because it felt like the natural thing to do to me. But if it didn’t feel that way for you—“

“It did.” The words escape Ryan as a choked whisper, squeezed out to stop Matt from even thinking about the possibility that Ryan’s chest wasn’t pounding right now. “It felt like it’s what we should have been doing a long time ago. But that’s all just been sat in my head until now. Actually confronting it, actually _doing_ it...it’s scary, but it’s...it’s right. I know it’s right.”

They’re silent for a moment, Ryan rubbing circles into the back of Matt’s hand with his thumb. He wouldn’t exactly call the sounds of car horns honking outside soothing, but maybe the fact that both of their feelings are sat comfortably out in the open now is what’s responsible for slowing both of their breathing.

“We can talk about this more later, if you want. Because I kinda just wanna shut my eyes and sleep next to you right now.”

Matt’s words slur slightly and the final few are somewhat muffled by a yawn, and Ryan feels that familiar giddiness that Matt always fills his system with trickling through his veins. He smiles. He doesn’t have to feel guilty about it anymore.

“Me too, dude. C’mere.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi! thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. unless you're matt or ryan. in which case i KNOW you enjoyed.


End file.
